Fri, 08/23/2013 - 16:04 — Compost Stu

A late cold snap pours its viscous frost over the grassy lower slopes of Barkers Vale. Crunchy underfoot, the frozen blades of grass look like they’d be great fun to slide down the hill on, if it weren’t for the rocks..! It’s election time again and the rocky slope seems to be rearing its ugly head on the political landscape too. I was interested to find out about the various parties positions on composting toilets, and surprised to find a varied and diverse approach.
The coalition has released a dictum whereby all composting toilets must comply to a strict regime of construction and features. God Save the Queen must be piped into the chamber so that when the seat is raised, the heavenly voices of the St Pauls Boys Choir come streaming up between your legs to sooth the guilt of using far too much toilet paper (it’s OK it grows on trees and we can just cut down more…). The music has the doubly important function of releasing anal tension specific to the conservative mindset. Pedestal design also gets a strong mention. Royal blue is the colour of choice and a counter mechanism is to be attached to the seat so that taxes can be levied against every bowel movement (this is, in fact, how the coalition will pay for the parental leave scheme). Finished compost must undergo a sterilisation procedure whereby it is subjected to a liturgy of political diatribe by the Hon. Tony Abbot for a period of not less than one hour. It is considered that no life can withstand such an onslaught. The National party will then collect the compost and distribute it to its marginal seats.
The Australian Labor Party have adopted a centre left position, which avoids the issue of pyramiding in the chamber. By shifting their rear ends slightly left, they believe they can avoid mixing their excrement with the oppositions in the lower house. This results in a two tiered system regulated by the upper house where all important motions are debated again before being passed. Unfortunately this can result in uncomfortable periods of lethargy and constipation. After a while though, the motions in the lower house become indiscernible from each other, whether from left or right.
The Greens have a rather forward thinking strategy. Carbon offsetting is to occur at every recorded use of the composting toilet. A motion sensor and camera is to be mounted inside the toilet, recording the size and consistency of every bowel movement. Records will then be sent via email to the Dept of Carbon Recovery and Processing (CRAP) for assessment of carbon levels. The household will then be issued with carbon offset certificates to the value of their excreted carbon, redeemable only when the finished compost is brought back to CRAP for recovery and sequestration back into the soil profile. Greens policy boffins are currently investigating the use of low light flash cameras that will not put the fear of god into toilet users.
It is refreshing to have such points of difference between the major parties. I hope that I have informed all and sundry of the choices available. We, at Pooh Solutions are ready to work closely with the elected party to facilitate their respective policies. We even anticipate a hung parliament, and look forward to working with such members as can position themselves from left to right over the cameras….

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