Stu's View from the Loo

Mon, 01/16/2012 - 09:31 — Compost Stu

Apparently there is some confusion as to whether I am actually sitting on my loo, lap top on bared thighs, tapping out these prose on poo, or am I comfortably in front of my PC with an empty bowel and squeeze free scowl. Good. I’m glad, it is always best left to the imagination don’t you think? All I can say is these wooden seats beat the plastic ones hands down in this sweltering heat. When did we start sitting on sweaty plastic anyway? My first memories of going to the loo always involved running my fingernails along the aged timber bench seat that spanned the width of the outhouse. It was only a short hop skip and a jump from the back door (thankfully) and it had a rusty old cast iron cistern with a long chain mounted a good meter and a half above the rust stained ceramic bowl. The bowl looked like someone had smashed it into tiny pieces and then painstakingly put it back together with araldite and a lot of patience. The force of the flush was like a mini Niagara Falls! Heaven forbid if anything fell in unintended. It’d be half way to Werribee* in no time at all. I loved flushing that toilet. It was like having the beach in your own backyard. The wooden timber bench seat was somehow soft. It was probably hoop pine or similar, a lovely texture around the rim of the seat, where tiny little fibres of timber created a velvety feel for the delicate bottoms that sat there. It was also ancient, with grooves along the grain that ran deep and shallow like estuarine channels eroded through the ages. Eventually we had extensions built that included a nice new plastic toilet inside the house. I remember feeling claustrophobic in the new toilet that had a door (the old one never had a door). Consequently I didn’t use it that much, just for peeing at night and maybe on a really cold winters day. I loved to go out to the old loo, where the wood was always warm, the flush a lot louder and the rust stains on the crazed ceramic were racing each other slowly to Werribee.
These days there is a paucity of choice for the true toilet seat connoisseur. The cheap brass and timber fold down lids are poorly made and seem to de-laminate or warp regularly and there is very little else available. I’ve started offering full width cabinet timber bench seats with my tilt panel concrete composting toilets so now you can have your throne made to order, as beautiful as befits the behind.
* Werribee is the destination for most of Melbournes sewage.

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